Surgeries

Here I am 23 and from the age of 18 i have had 5 surgeries. My first surgery was in 2007. For years I was struggling with function in my left hand. Talked with a doctor and found out it was all because of a cyst. So I had surgery to remove it. After a short while it returned where I then had surgery on it again about a year later. With the news that after 2 surgeries the chance of return was even less then before. Well it decided it was going to come back on me. I started thinkin why should i have another surgery and be out for another 6 months. So i talked with my doctor where we decided to just numb the area and inject a needle and drain it. What a relief. I didnt have to wear a cast or split or anything and the very next day I had full use of my hand. Doing things I hadnt been able to do in years. 10 weeks of pure enjoyment. Longer then any of the surgeries that i had been through. After that I had to end up having surgery again. Done by a completely different doctor this time. Which was also done a completely different way. For 2 years i have had fun being able to use my hand. Except now it is coming back. My biggest surgery by far came in 2009. After I had my children and knew i wasnt having anymore i decided to have a breast reduction. I always knew i had big boobs and was often told that i stuffed my bra. I got so fed up with it that if anyone tried to tell me that they got flashed. Yes my boobs were big. I was 105 lbs 5'2'' with big c boobs..After my kids were born they went up to a ddd. and never went back down. I am now between a c and d. but not over excited about my boobs. The surgery was very painful along with the recovery. Now the last surgery i had to have was messing with my life. I recieved several abnormal pap tests and they had to take a part of my cervix out and bioposy it. Luckily thank god there was nothing there. But now i dont feel like a woman. You may not be able to anything from the surgery. But i know there is a difference. Which really interferes with my sex life. Its now deformed and i know it. A piece of me is gone that i can never get back. It makes me feel incomplete. Almost like losing a finger. That is noticable but it really makes you feel different. Thats what I struggle with everyday. Knowing theres a part of me thats missing and disfigured is very hard to handle. The scars on my chest dont bother me as much as that but the scars do bother me. I take my showers or baths and have to lock the door. If chase is in the room when im changing my shirt i turn around and when im changing my pants around him its a quick down and up thing where inbetween im sitting on the bed or on the couch. I know ive changed since he has met me yet im the same person but i dont feel the same. I know it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. But i look nothing like i did when i met him. Covered in scars and knowing theres things missing has really taken its toll on me.