Work never ends

Have you had those days where it seems like you never get to sit down and relax? Your not alone. it starts from the time you get up till the time you go to bed and even then you lay in bed and think about all the things you havent finished yet or add more to your list. You get up clean cook clean play with the kids clean teach them things clean find more things to do then clean...are you catching a patern here??? Cleaning..you are constantly cleaning. i give up cleaning my house during the day. no matter what as soon as something gets cleaned the kids mess it up again. so after a long day of standing on your feet teacher cooking what ever all you want to do is relax. After everyone goes to bed you decide i better get up and start cleaning. mom is the only one that gets to enjoy the nice clean house even if its only for a few hours. then daddy gets up in the morning and sees it all nice and pretty and in 10 mins hes out the door off to work. then when he comes home at noon its clean for about 2 mins when the kids wake up come out and destroy it. the dishes used for lunch are scattered everywhere and depending what they ate there are pans and skillets and silverware all over the stove. Mom wakes up just before daddy goes back to work and sees the horrible mess and thinks why do i even bother cleaning if my house is just going to get messed up in the first 2 minutes of being awake. I pulled a little experiment for a week one week where i didnt do anything with anyones things except my own.. it drove me insane. But ive come to the conclusion that after trying to teach my kids to clean up after themselves that it cant be done..and i cant just blame the kids. Dad thinks im a mom or something and should clean everything..if it wasnt for me me i dont know what kind of a place these people would live in. These days parents dont make their kids do chores or the rules are never inforced...which is a problem..it makes them lazy when they get older. they dont know how to do anything for themselves. but most tend to keep a clean house. i hate cleaning again..it all started when i was little i was always cleaning. my dads house always had to look like the house was up for sale. everything in its place nothing could be a millimeter out of place or it was grounding time. having such a big responsibility at such a young age makes you grow up faster. You cant mess things up and just have fun. Then when you grow up its like why am i still doing all this stuff..i missed out on my childhood and now here i am still doing the same thing as an adult. we never seem to catch a break anywhere..the lucky ones are those who can hire in someone to do all that for them..now wouldnt that be nice??? i almost cant wait till im too old to do anything and have my kids do everything for me..

Writing

Writing makes me feel good. it gives me a chance to get things out in the open and could care less if people read this or not. ive always been a sucker for writing. it all started with a book that i read in the 7th grade. Hatchet.Like most kids who are told in school you have to read this book i threw it in the corner and let it collect dust for a week before picking it up. Thats when the teacher decided to start reading it to us instead of having us read it ourselves. she said it was too good of a book for us to not even read it as she knew most of the class wouldnt. As she started reading the book to us i couldnt wait to hear what was going to happen next. that day i rushed home after school and sat down and read the entire book. I came to love man vs nature books. for those of you who dont know its humans surviving off the land. From there my passion for writing kicked in. I used to sit down and write poems and at one point i even tried to write a story.More on that later. I would get caught during school writing my poems and one time a teacher confiscated it as they normally would thinking its a letter. The next day she handed it back to me and asked me if i wrote it on my own. of course i did. she said it was so good and wanted me to submit it into a poetry contest that she had recently heard about. thinking it was a long shot i went ahead and sent it in. about a month later i recieved a letter from them telling me they wanted to publish it in a book..tears rolled down my face. i held on to it for a while because i didnt know what my parents would think of it. by the time i got up the courage to tell them the deadline had passed. a few years later i submitted another poem to them. again i got a letter. only this time it was for an award ceremony. i had recieved several awards because i had won. only problem was that i had to get out of state with my own money pay fro room and board. Yeah never happened. i think i still have the letter to this day. something i will always keep knowing that i won things and yet i couldnt get there to accept them. ever since then i really havent written anything. When i was still writing i went to a church camp. at the time one of my friends was going through some tough family issues. so i wrote a poem about it. i read it at the talent show they had put on there and at the end people came up to me asking me if that was my life because of how the details were. thankfully it wasnt my life but they felt every emotion behind it..rage sadness joy and happieness..i still have every poem ive ever written and will never forget how happy it made me feel.

My story. after writing all these poems i thought about writing a story. of course i was young so it was about something that i loved more then anything at that age. HORSES...i thought it was such a beautiful story. i had about 3 chapters done when i decided to have my dad read it and tell me what he thought of it..needless to say my story never got finish..i got accused of plagerizing..He said it was too good to be something i wrote on my own. Demanded to see the book that i got it from. In a way it made me excited to know that even at a young age it was a good story..good enough i got accused of taking it from a book..because of that i stopped writing it. and so my poems also fell apart. i had no desire to write anymore because of all the acusations that i got..what a way to put down a young persons feelings.

i guess now i really miss writing. which is part of the reason i started this blog. who knows maybe ill be inspired and start writing again. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like had i continued to write..would i have books being published right now..would i have poems in a book. would i have my own book of poems...would i have money..oh well i guess thats life and what happens when you get put down time after time. Well at least here i dont have to worry about anyone judging me and telling me things ive heard all my life..

Family and friends

When you think of family you think of blood relatives or married in. Well in our family we also think of our friends as family. Some families are ideal and some families are just crazy. i dont know what happend to my family..So lets start my family
I have a mom who i love dearly. we have our issues but we are always there for eachother.
I have a step father who has been there when i need him. he bought me my first car. well several of my cars ok. lol. We dont really talk much because the relationship is just strange. he came from a quiet closed off family.
I have a real brother who has been in and out of jail and has a very bad personality.
I have 2 step brothers who are completely different from eachother but still great guys
I have a step sister who i barley know. But only because her and her dad dont get along and she hates my mom so shes never around.
I have a Grandma and a Great grandma on my moms side who are just two wonderful people
My Father and Step mother really arent in the picture. I have tried to make myself be someone im not just to get their approval. and i have finally learned that if i have to do that its not worth it. I used to tell ppl i had 2 moms because i counter her as a mother. when people ask her how many kids she has she tells them one. Thats just not very fair to someone who thought of her as a mom and tells her they lover her all the time. Sorry go ahead and have your one kid because i think your going to lose your step son sometime soon as well. then you will only be left with one. and guess what?! you drove your husbands 2 kids away and made him lose them. You had some help from him as well but for some reason step parents get blamed the most especially after already tearing apart the same family once already.
My dogs. We have 2 dogs that are considered family as well.Not just pets
My husbands side:
He has his mom and dad who are 2 wonderful people. Prolly the parents that everyone wants
His brother and his wife who are also 2 great people. we hang out drink and have fun. Kind of wish i could get his wife to open up a little more to me but that comes in time. I realize i have done some things way in the past (leaving chase when i got pregers) and maybe that holds her back. What ever the reason im sure before we get super old we may be able to laugh and hang out on our own without the guys.
His sister and her life partner are also good people. we both enjoy horses and could always use that as a talking point if need be.
Sometimes i dont feel like i fit in. I realize im the youngest and the newest and im not as outgoing as them. But i feel myself opening up more the longer ive been around. I was always taught to respect your elders and to always clear the room when they come in. So naturally with me i take the backseat when it comes to everyone. I keep quiet and just listen and take everything in. My sister in law is an extremely smart person and i feel intimidated by her. Ive been getting to the point that i watch the news and read the times reporter and have to look words up when i know we are going to get together so i have some knowledge of things so i can try to have a conversation. but most of the time i still feel very stupid especially when it comes to someone that knows just about everything. I blame that on my childhood. No one ever around to answer questions and teachers who just shrug you off because someone else needs their help.

Friends we have very few friends but the friends we have we cherrish. First off there are Brett and Ashley. 2 very crazy people but very outgoing. sometimes they are strange but they fit together just fine. Lastly we have Jess and Paul and i cant forget cute little shaylynn. They are our next door neighbors who have lived there for about a year and at the end of the summer is when we first started talking. It all started with our blazer. Chase was trying to do something to it and Jess came over knowing what she was doing and elbows deep in the engine. while Paul shaylynn my kids and I sat on the porch getting to know eachother..from then on its been us going there or them coming here.. dinners and games and texting and laughing..Im sure this is the start to a beautiful relationship. Thanx for being in our lives Jess and Paul we really enjoy having you guys around. And shaylynn..what a cute little girl. I love the way she says our names. i love the smile she gets on her face when i come over or hearing stories about her saying our names or the dogs. I love that i can put a smile on her face when im not even around. All i have to do is put my dogs out and i have made her day. But please dont take pictures of me in my pjs sometimes i look horrible.. hahaha..Your new camera and you are not a good combo..but if you must take a pic you have to send it to me for me to approve of it...Well i think that is all for the night. Cherish everyone in your life you never know when the day will come that you will not have it anymore.

My Job

Most people have a job.Well at least one they get paid for. I get paid for my job but not in money. I get the joy of staying home with my two beautiful children each and everyday and watch them grow up never missing anything in their lives. Even when it comes to learning school. Im a stay at home mom. Our day starts out like any other day from any other person. The only difference is the timing. Where most families get up and start their days anywhere from 6-8am, we get up at noon. Why do we get up so late do you ask? I have put my children on my husbands work schedual. Meaning that they get the most quality time with him that they can get. My husband goes to work at 7am. and comes home at noon for lunch. So the first person they get to see when they wake up is daddy. When daddy gets home he gets them breakfast and a drink and spends his lunch hour eating and talking with them. Then its my turn at 1. We hang out for a few and then we start school. Luke is a full time kindergarten student and i am his learning coach. Incase you havent figured it out yet, we homeschool. then by the time we are done daddy is home. we eat dinner play watch tv talk have some laughs and then everyone goes to bed. there was nothing more that i hated when i was growing up to have to go to bed before my dad got home or shortly after he got home. i felt i was missing out on so much time with him. Right then i decided my kids will see their father every moment they could. Anyways being a learning coach isnt as easy as people think it is. You have to come up with different ways to teach your children if they arent learning it the way school tells you to try. It takes patients and lots of time. You have to make sure they understand something before you can move on. its a job in itself. But even tho its hard and tiring at times its still joyus and you have a feeling of accomplishment especially when you see the light in their eyes like they completely understand what they are doing..
Onto my other job.
Like mentioned before i am a stay at home mother. When you think of a stay at home mom you think back to the old days. husband goes off to work mom stays home and takes care of everything else. Well i hate cleaning. my house is messy most of the time and by the end of the day i am exhausted. I dont make home cooked meals from scratch like they did back then. But whatever i cook always comes out tasting good. I dont use recipes i just make things how i want and go from there. if it turns out good then great and sometimes its a trip to what we around here call the boulavard...On the boulavard we have wendys arbys mcdonalds burger king and taco bell..its a life saver at times. Along with taking care of the kids making sure they have food and drinks fun and learning comes the nursing,teacher,and many others. If a housewife could get paid for all the jobs she does in a day she would make more then the husband. The wifes job is extremely demanding. and is always different and never a guarentee that things will turn out great everyday. Where the husband goes and does the same thing day in and day out. Never having to deal with much change. Then the husbands ask why us wives are always tired at the end of the day. If its not one thing going on its another and it causes tons of stress. Your running around with the little ones chasing them catching them playing dress up and tea parties monster trucks and cars and tractors on top of teaching and cooking and cleaning and making yourself presentable each and every day. But i would not give up my job for anything. Some people wouldnt consider a housewife a job. But guess what i do and im sure that if you ask any other housewife they will tell you the same thing. It is a job you just dont get paid cash. You get paid the big smiles you see on your kids faces you get paid by love and support of your family. You get paid by the fact that inside you know you have done your very best with your kids and didnt have to leave them at all.
One thing that really makes me upset is people asking me why i dont get a job. My beliefs are the husband works and the wife takes care of the house and kids. They tell me that since money is an issue for us maybe i should get at least a part time job. Lets look at somethings here and put everything out on the table...If i get a job through the day i miss out on everything with my kids. Now they have to go to daycare. How much does day care cost? Prolly most if not all of my paycheck. Remember i have two kids i have to pay for not just one. And what kind of job am i going to get? Probably flipping burgers and theres no money in that. I should know i have worked at wendys and taco bell...So now i get a job on the weekends.. Most of the time my husband works.Who is going to watch them now..Again got to go and pay for daycare.But wait what daycare is open on the weekends. And if by chance hubby doesnt have to work weekends now it will be hubby and son playing video games all weekend and a poor little girl left alone because daddy dont know how to do girl things. Now what about nights..Who in their right mind would spend all day cleaning teaching playing cooking what have you and then go work 8 hrs at night or longer? I dont know about you but i think i would die of exhausten within a month or so. Most of the time i wish people would get off my back about a job especially when money gets really hard on us. I think i work just as hard as my husband does. This is our life. These are my jobs. People may not agree with the choices we have made but guess what? If you dont like it look the other way.. Im not changing anything in my life to make someone else happier. yes we have our money problems but im not at all dissappointed at the life we are leading.
I love my jobs.

My Kids

After everything I have been through the most important things in my life other then my husband are my two wonderful children. Luke is my smart loving son. He takes after me in so many ways yet also has some of my husband in him. I home school him and he is in kindergarten this year. I have so much fun teaching him yet we struggle in one subject. But hey doesnt every kid have a subject they arent good at? He is my math wiz. When he was little he could renact scenes from his favorite movie Cars. At a year old he would pile his cars into a big mess and take his lightning mcqueen car and do the cool little jump over the cars and what made it even better was he would stick his tounge out just like lightning did. He is so quiet and self sufficiant almost. Hes so sweet in everyway possible. Just like all kids though he does have a rotten side to him. He dont like to listen and do what hes told some of the times. Im ok with that more then what he does everyday. I cant stand the crying. i know hes emotional just like i am but he has this god awful cry that just makes you want to pull your hair out and scream your butt off at him. I find it much eaiser to just tell him to go to his room until hes done. overall i think i did pretty good with my son.

Now on to my second child.Madison. what can i say about her..Shes beautiful,loving,caring,energetic,and exactly like her mama..She may only be 4 but shes got an attitude of a teenager already. She knows how to put her hand on her hip and stick it out if something doesnt go her way. She knows the meaning of the word please and trys to use it all day everyday. She will ask for something and i will tell her No. then she throws in the please. You can tell her you said no again and she yells but i said please!!!...She sure knows how to wiggle her way into daddys heart. Mommy usually says no and daddy usually says yes..This is just teaching her bad things for later in life. Let us live past the teenage days with her eaiser then what my mom did with me. Maddie is a bit of an animal megnet. Shes always had a thing for animals..Dogs mostly but loves cats and horses as well. We have two dogs. A husky named Annabelle and a mutt named Chub-Chub. Ever since she was a baby she was always finding a way to get close to them even when she couldnt crawl or walk somehow she always ended up right there with them. As she got older everyone elses animals just kinda flocked right to her. My mother in law got a puppy almost a year ago. Now this dog absolutly loves my sister inlaw. But if the dog my sister in law and daughter were in the same room. the dog would be with Maddie the whole time. My grandmas dog loves both of my kids but if we try to get close to Maddie when hes around you may just get bit. My step brother got my other step brother a puppy for his wedding. While my mom was watching the puppy and my kids were there this puppy followed Mad everywhere. Shes just really good with animals. Im hoping she grows up and does things with animals because of her love and passion and caring personality with and for them. As for my son. Well im hoping he will go into some kind of science that requiers lots of math. His two favorite subjects in school are science and math. and i know he would enjoy a job in the science field if it involved lots of math. I will remember this post later on in life and see where my kids end up in the future. I sure hope im right. What a great life they will lead if they do what they enjoy doing. And being with things they love.

Surgeries

Here I am 23 and from the age of 18 i have had 5 surgeries. My first surgery was in 2007. For years I was struggling with function in my left hand. Talked with a doctor and found out it was all because of a cyst. So I had surgery to remove it. After a short while it returned where I then had surgery on it again about a year later. With the news that after 2 surgeries the chance of return was even less then before. Well it decided it was going to come back on me. I started thinkin why should i have another surgery and be out for another 6 months. So i talked with my doctor where we decided to just numb the area and inject a needle and drain it. What a relief. I didnt have to wear a cast or split or anything and the very next day I had full use of my hand. Doing things I hadnt been able to do in years. 10 weeks of pure enjoyment. Longer then any of the surgeries that i had been through. After that I had to end up having surgery again. Done by a completely different doctor this time. Which was also done a completely different way. For 2 years i have had fun being able to use my hand. Except now it is coming back. My biggest surgery by far came in 2009. After I had my children and knew i wasnt having anymore i decided to have a breast reduction. I always knew i had big boobs and was often told that i stuffed my bra. I got so fed up with it that if anyone tried to tell me that they got flashed. Yes my boobs were big. I was 105 lbs 5'2'' with big c boobs..After my kids were born they went up to a ddd. and never went back down. I am now between a c and d. but not over excited about my boobs. The surgery was very painful along with the recovery. Now the last surgery i had to have was messing with my life. I recieved several abnormal pap tests and they had to take a part of my cervix out and bioposy it. Luckily thank god there was nothing there. But now i dont feel like a woman. You may not be able to anything from the surgery. But i know there is a difference. Which really interferes with my sex life. Its now deformed and i know it. A piece of me is gone that i can never get back. It makes me feel incomplete. Almost like losing a finger. That is noticable but it really makes you feel different. Thats what I struggle with everyday. Knowing theres a part of me thats missing and disfigured is very hard to handle. The scars on my chest dont bother me as much as that but the scars do bother me. I take my showers or baths and have to lock the door. If chase is in the room when im changing my shirt i turn around and when im changing my pants around him its a quick down and up thing where inbetween im sitting on the bed or on the couch. I know ive changed since he has met me yet im the same person but i dont feel the same. I know it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. But i look nothing like i did when i met him. Covered in scars and knowing theres things missing has really taken its toll on me.

My first year after Graduating

Wow where do i begin. I graduated being pregnant. No it was not a mistake. Remember I told you I had to grow up way to fast. So my body just assumed I was an adult and all these feelings and thoughts came over me. I decided i wanted to be a parent. I found my self a great guy. We met over the internet and talked for a while before we decided to meet.(this was during school) We met fell in love and got an apartment together. We discussed having a child together. We Met in July and got engaged in october. Guess what? 3 months later im pregnant. I was so excited yet had so many emotions rulling around inside of me. I completely changed my world. I left Chase and had no intentions on coming back. It took a very terrifying car accident to realize that if you have someone in your life at one point and there was a stupid reason behind losing them that you could lose them forever and the reason isnt good enough to throw everything away. I was 3 months pregnant when i totaled my car car in a head on collision. I called Chase that same night and started to work everything out. I had my son Lucas in September of 05. That was the happiest day of my life. We carried him around all the time and had tons of fun together. Thats when we decided we dont want all these memories in an apartment. You could leave at anytime and move somewhere else and nothing will be the same. So we started looking for a house. we found one we liked when Luke was 5 months old. And here we are still in the same house and have tons of memories. and places in the house that will never be taken from us. Then in Feb we got more great news. I'm pregnant hunny..It was at that point that we decided we wanted to get married. We got our taxes back and I began planning our wedding. In one week i had everything planned. and I was not stressed at any point. I believe if you get things taken care of right away then you can relax until the time comes. The only thing i was stressed about was that my final dress fitting was a week before the wedding. I got my dress back a couple days before my wedding and on my wedding day I could hardly get it zipped. Yeah i finally poped my belly with baby number 2. We had a great wedding. Then in November  we had our beautiful baby girl Madison. And things have just been crazy ever since. But thats for another blog.

How my life started

Most kids can tell you about their childhood..Well thats not the case here.When i was young my parents got divorced. my earliest memory was i believe my second christmas. I got a really pretty bear that was dressed in a gorgous dress.I remember cutting my finger on a razor because no one was ever around and i didnt know what it was. I remember our ping pong table in the garage and how we had to move it when my dad shot a deer. I also remember running through the neighbors yard that was full of glass barefooted.I can tell you things i did by myself or with my brother but when it comes to my parents i have no memories.Anyways shortly after my parents divorced they both got remarried. I guess I didnt care for my step mom at all.But who could take to someone thats not your real parent when they are the reason your real parents arent together anymore. When my mom got remarried i was happy because i had 2 sisters finally. There were 4 of us and finally someone to play with. My mom was always catering to my step dad because he turned out to be a drunk and needed everyones help doing everything..Well as life went on living with them we all grew happy together except for the whole drinking thing. One night i was sitting on the floor doing my homework when my step dad told my youngest stepsister to pack her things.They walked out on us. For the second time in my life i lost a father figure. Anyhow life goes on. The summer of my 13th birthday i told my mom i wanted to live with my dad. What a nightmare that was. But the judge let me and my brother choose who we wanted to live with..Life was great there was no fighting or drinking from either one of my "new parents" i got anything and everything i wanted. But i had to grow up fast.Things had to be so clean and up to their standards.One time i had a little piece of paper on my floor. Take a note book tare out a paper and one of the little pieces on it came off and fell on the floor. Inspection came dad seen it and i had to box everything up that was in my room.I was left with a bed pillow blanket and my dresser. Why should i have to grow up that fast i thought to myself. Then it hit me they didnt want us there because they wanted us they only wanted us there because they didnt have to pay childsupport for us. So back to my moms i went. I moved in with her and her new husband. This one has stuck around but its still not easy to deal with. I moved to a hick town and went to a hick school. for the first yr I went to school and came home only to be told to go to my room or go outside. Finally i turned 16 got my liscense got 2 jobs so i was never home. plus in my free time i was with friends. I paied for everything i wore ate and anything else. When I turned 17 i moved out with my boyfriend who is now my husband. And we have 2 amazing children together.

Well in this blog i wanted to give you a little bit of my life before i get into everything else in my life. I hope you enjoy reading what i have to type. I dont get out much and hardly have any friends and i get lonely and depressed and thought maybe a blog would help me get out any feelings that i have to help me relieve somethings. Thank you in advance for putting up with my rantings and just the overall carryons.